Ep 9: Behaviour Change is The Litmus Test
I'm sure I'm not alone in becoming a piss-poor poet after every psychedelic experience. The sheer weirdness of it all combined with “yeah, but, it's realer than reality…” makes it very hard to not rainbow vomit one's life changing transpersonal experiences in a genuinely full(fool?) hearted attempt to share the love and wisdom for the betterment of humanity.
Ex-Silicon Valley CEO turned psychedelic advocate, Paul Brown, summed it up perfectly.
Every psychedelic researcher is just trying to solve the same problem: How do you bring back information from a place that exists beyond language?
This got me thinking about my own attempts, where I frequently eff up the ineffable. Perhaps, for once, more words are not the answer? I've also found the art and music to be powerful pre-verbal ways of communicating psychedelic experiences ,but frankly, I lack the talent so I leave that to others.
So how do I personally bring back information from beyond the veil?
The answer lies in the very reason I go on these journies in the first place - behavioural change. If I'm not growing as a result of psychedelic medicines then I'm bullshitting myself. The ego is a tricky beast and can weave wonderful tales to keep me distracted from the challenge of change. I don't begrudge the ego’s mission of keeping me safe through coherent (if sometimes false) narratives about who I am and what the world entails. However, growth requires change and the most verifiable change is when we act differently. It's the showing up that matters.
So why am I writing this? In short, integration.
The Holy Grail of psychedelic experience, and for that matter spiritual, psychotherapeutic, and any other experience, is integration. Otherwise we're just chasing our own tails.
And to quote Paul Brown one last time,
Integration is just a fancy word for:
“Don’t waste the most important realization of your life because you were too lazy to journal.”
So I'm writing this as an act of integration, and publicly sharing what's happening helps me stay accountable. So here's what's actually changed in my behaviour. A concrete, coherent, verifiable litmus test for psychedelic, therapeutic, and personal development - behavioural change.
Reacting Different
Three days after the last 5-MeO-DMT ceremony, I had an interview scheduled with a major client for a bigger role. I turned up in my best suit and tie, only to find an email: they’d decided not to include anyone who wasn’t already employed there. The interview was cancelled.
In the past, this would have been a spark for anger, frustration, self-doubt. I’d have carried that energy all day. But this time, I didn’t take it personally. It didn’t feel like it was about me. My first thought was gratitude: Thank you for closing the doors that should be closed and opening the doors that should be opened. I simply accepted this wasn’t for me.
When colleagues heard and reacted with outrage on my behalf, it didn’t touch me. I was calm. A week later the client changed their minds, asked me back, and I walked into that interview feeling relaxed and present. They invited me to a second interview before the first had finished.
The point isn’t the job outcome — it’s the fact that my nervous system no longer reacts the way it used to. There’s more space and less drama.
Non-negotiable Self-Care
Before the ceremonies, self-care was something I squeezed in when I had time. I lived with a sense of frustrated urgency that resulted in my needs being left to last whilst blaming the world’s unfair demands. Really I wasn't owning the choices I made.
This has changed almost over night. Every morning I go to the gym. Every evening I meditate and stretch. I journal. I schedule regular massage. I’m eating healthier without resistance. These aren’t “nice to haves” anymore. They’re non-negotiables and are almost effortless.
For the first time, I’m actually putting my own needs first. I don’t mean this selfishly, in fact, caring for myself makes me more available to others. But it means I’m no longer running on empty and expecting life to feel different.
Healing, growth, creativity and building are work, and self-care is part of that work. It’s a discipline, but it feels like love.
Goodbye To Indifference
For months, I’d been carrying one particular business venture that wasn’t working. The truth? I’d lost interest long ago. I was indifferent, but I kept it going because I didn’t want to let others down. I judged myself on how I thought others would perceive me and I was afraid to be seen as unreliable or a failure.
Since the ceremonies, that’s changed. I’ve accepted this isn’t where my energy belongs, so I told all interested parties that I’m out and why. There was no resistance, no judgement, they all respected my choice. Instead of dragging myself through something that doesn’t matter to me, I’m putting my energy into what does.
It’s not about quitting when things are hard. It’s about being honest that my time, my energy, my life matter. So I’m choosing to spend them where I feel most alive.
Litmus
If you are seeking change in any area of your life I applaud you.
Whether through self-guided effort, therapy, coaching, or heroic doses of psychedelic medicine, it's not easy work.
The ego is resistant and will bullshit you into believing you are succeeding when you aren't, or failing when you are winning the game. The mind is a powerful tool of the ego, using thoughts and feelings to create convincing stories that keep you trapped.
So if you want to know whats really going on, behavioural change is the litmus test.