Episode 5: The Ontology of Love
Everything. Even That Guy
T+70
It’s been about 10 weeks (70 days) since my encounter with the Toad (Bufo Alvarius) and it’s medicinal venom containing 5-MeO-DMT. 10 weeks and a fresh upload from beyond, this one really took me by surprise!
“You, yourself, are the eternal energy which appears as this Universe. You didn't come into this world; you came out of it. Like a wave from the ocean.” - Alan Watts
Gambino Phase Shift
It was Sunday.
I was in the kitchen, prepping some food, listening to music. Nothing significant - just some pop - 3005 by Childish Gambino. Upbeat. Nice synths. Uplifting lyrics. Ordinary background to an ordinary moment.
Then, suddenly, it was like I blacked out.
I was still standing. But I lost my vision, my hearing, I was outside time, and as far as my psyche was concerned definitely not in the kitchen.
In that moment, just like the exhalation with the Toad, I was somewhere else - a phase shift to another realm. The now familiar black and white realm of Source.
There, in my mind’s eye, was a single cell.
One cell. Suspended in space. Alive. Pulsing.
That cell had come into existence from pure love. I knew this with the absolute certainty you have step out of a cool shadow into the warmth of sunlight.
It was infused with it. Saturated.
And then, the cell began to divide.
Once. Then again. And again. And again.
Each time it divided, the love didn’t lessen - it multiplied.
Every new cell was a creation of love. Each as saturated as the one it came from.
Every piece of the whole was infused with the same origin.
This continued.
Division upon division.
Multiplication upon multiplication.
Until it became … me.
Standing there in my kitchen - a human being.
A fully developed adult.
And yet, still that same love-infused creation.
I could feel it.
From the marrow of my bones to the tips of my hair - every cell alive with love.
Not metaphorical. Not poetic. Real.
I stood there, overwhelmed.
Tears welled up and fell - gratitude, joy, awe.
I looked out across the rooftops from my kitchen window.
The horizon was scattered with trees and church spires. The beautiful world.
And all I could say was:
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Beware Conflation
These profound experiences, or states of consciousness, are fleeting and impactful.
As I’ve mentioned before, it’s important not to conflate a heightened state of awareness or perception with actual development. It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing such moments as markers of spiritual achievement. They aren’t.
What they are, are openings. Invitations.
They show you something. They reveal a potential.
But it takes deep, sustained work to integrate these moments. First, to make sense of them. Then, to ground them - so that whatever truth they hold can actually take root and begin to shape your life in a meaningful, lasting way.
Otherwise, it remains a glimpse - beautiful, but passing.
So what do I make of this experience?
There’s a clear message - one that links directly back to the initial experience with the Toad, with 5-MeO-DMT: a connection to what I’ll refer to as cosmic love. A love so vast, so powerful, that it eclipses everything else. A love that heals. A love that feels like being in contact with the heart of the universe.
And now, here in my kitchen, I’ve felt that same love again.
But this time, not as an expansive vision, but as an origin story.
The same love that poured through my awareness during the Toad ceremony is the creative force that brought that first cell into being. The cell that became me.
And, of course, this isn’t just about me.
The realisation is that this is true of all people. Of all life. Of everything in the physical universe.
Everything that exists has come into being through this same process.
This is an ontological and epistemological insight: a way of understanding the nature of being, and the way we come to know it.
The process of knowing, for me, is experience. It’s not particularly scientific. I understand that for many, this kind of knowing lacks value because it isn’t empirically grounded. And I don’t claim it to be.
However, there are brilliant and highly qualified people working on the nature of consciousness, being, and the universe. People like Bernardo Kastrup, Rupert Spira, Donald Hoffman and Christof Koch to name a few.
I can only speak from where I stand: from what I’ve experienced, felt, and seen, and how deeply and completely real it is for me.
And so, this is what I will share.
Not a universal truth.
But a lived truth.
One that’s changing how I live.
Everything. Even That Guy.
It's incredibly healing and soothing to know that every cell of your being is loved. This realisation seems to wash away years of not feeling good enough, of doubt, of low self-esteem - and also a great deal of loneliness and isolation. The kind of loneliness that lives like a background hum beneath everything.
And there’s also something about the sharedness of it all.
Standing later in the park, I looked at a leaf of ivy. Just a single leaf.
And I knew: every cell in that leaf is the result of creative love.
The same force that created me created that.
The same force created the pigeon hopping nearby.
The pond.
The trees.
The sky.
Everything is made of it.
And everything is alive with it.
There is no reason not to believe that the creative force of love - which I’ll simply call Source - is the same force that created the entire universe. In fact, I would suggest that the universe itself exists within that Source. That it is not separate from it, but contained by it. That what we call the physical universe is an expression, an emergent phenomenon, within a larger spiritual or causal realm.
And so - everything in the universe has been created from that same energy.
The hard realisation is that this includes even those we choose to label as enemies.
Those we class as dangerous, as problems.
Ultimately, they were created in the same way.
We were all created in the same way.
And the emphasis here is on we.
That’s what this experience is trying to show me.
What’s particularly interesting is how directly this feels like a response to what I was dealing with just weeks before.
You can read Episode 4: What We Push Away in this series for more context. There, I spoke about the internal conflict I‘m facing: the tension between my knowledge that we are all part of one being, and the distress I feel about the violence, poverty, greed, and destruction in the world.
That external disturbance has become internal dissonance.
And then - this happens.
If I was asking for an answer…
There it is.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all
the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
When I say an answer, I don’t mean that this internal conflict is resolved. Or that my feelings about the world have changed - not entirely.
But I’ve already noticed that I have more compassion. More empathy. For everyone around me.
Even my dreams are reflecting this.
I don’t know where this will lead.
But I feel the urge to write. To reflect. To think.
But also - to pay attention.
To myself. To everything around me.
And when I include that lens - that the origin of all things is the same, that everything is created from love - I can, at the very least, accept that what I don’t know… what I don’t understand… may well have meaning beyond my comprehension.
For me, now is the time to reserve judgment, to acknowledge how little I know, and to remain open.
One thing’s for certain: Toad isn’t done with me yet.
There’s still a lot more to learn.
Even from this one encounter.