Relational Intelligence
Where emotion and ethics meet.
Relationship is everything
The modern dilemma is counter-intuitive, we live in a hyper-connected world and feel more isolated than ever.
“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense of decency, your ability to think of others, your generosity.” - Esther Perel.
On my quest to understand the growing sense of anxiety, alienation, and loneliness that pervades modern life I have found my answer; relationship is everything.
It is beyond doubt that humans are, by nature, networked social beings. Despite the experience of separateness, the elevation of “I, and self”, the demand to be seen as individuals, our greatness suffering still comes from exclusion and isolation. In our hearts and souls we know unequivocally that we belong together.
Whether you approach this from biology, neurology, psychology, spirituality, or now technology, we arrive at the same conclusion. Our individuality is only half the story, what makes us whole is our connections, our relationships, we are holons!
Holons - a technical term
A holon is a single part of a complex system that has its own individuality, but that is also an integrated part of a higher order system.
Every human being is an entity or node, an individual belonging to a social community or network. In turn, we are made up of cells, each cell individually different from the others, each cell is a holon of it’s constituent parts.
Individualism and being part of a higher order system are opposite forces that need to find a balance in order to make the system survive.
This is the modern dilemma.
The higher order systems, the social, political, economic, and technological networks, are evolving rapidly and we are losing balance. There is disharmony, disruption, and despair. But maybe that is ok.
As uncomfortable as this may be, it is within the disharmony and disconnection that we can find the solution to our dilemma.
Re-enter relationship
“Relationships are harmony-disharmony-repair, connection-disconnection-reconnection. It’s in the reconnection that the trust gets built. You have to have a rupture in order to actually build the trust.” - Esther Perel.
When was the last time you made a new friend? New relationships are great right! They are full of hope, curiosity, you tend to agree on everything, have shared interests and views. It’s all well until it isn’t!
At that point you may doubt if they ever were your friend, whether you ever saw things in the same way, whether you should ever have trusted them.
What happens when you repair that friendship? This is what Esther is pointing to, the repair establishes trust that goes beyond rupture. Next time they act like an arse, or you do, you can trust that things can be repaired.
Relational intelligence
Relational intelligence (RI) is all about connecting with others and establishing mutual trust. It’s about establishing boundaries and learning how to deal with disagreements. This is something that people are pretty good at in-real-life, but terrible at on social media! But I’m not here to blame Facebook or X (formerly Twitter) for our anxiety and isolation - yes they make it easier to lower our RI, but that is still on us.
In attempting to understand relational intelligence it’s helpful to think of combining emotional and ethical intelligence. We want to develop the ability to be aware of and understand our own and others' emotions, values, interests and demands.
Only then can we discriminate between them, critically reflect on them and to use this information to guide our actions and behaviours with respect to other people.
Emotional intelligence
A belligerent samurai, an old Japanese tale goes, once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell.
The monk replied with scorn, "You're nothing but a lout - I can't waste my time with the likes of you!"
His very honour attacked, the samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword from its scabbard, yelled "I could kill you for your impertinence."
"That," the monk calmly replied, "is hell."
Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in its grip, the samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for the insight.
"And that, "said the monk "is heaven."
From Daniel Goleman’s 1995 classic, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.
People with high emotional intelligence (EI) can recognize their own emotions and those of others, then use emotional information to guide their thinking and behaviour.
It’s more difficult than it sounds, but it is a skill that can be developed and mastered. Like anything else in life we just need to practice, put in the reps, and we get the results. This places the responsibility for our emotional intelligence squarely on our shoulders.
If we want better relationships we start by getting to know our emotional selves.
Let me give you a personal example. I grew up in a neighbourhood where casual violence was common. As a boy it was expected of me to be able to stand my ground and fight, even if I knew I would lose. This terrified me. I’m a sensitive person, I grew up without siblings, and just wanted to make friends.
I became hyper-vigilant and fearful, this fear carried through into my early adulthood and manifested in strange ways. I would use alcohol and drugs to numb the fear and comfort myself. I struggled with relationships as I feared rejection, abandonment, or being hurt in general. As such I would not express my needs and eventually became resentful and angry.
All of this from not being able to accept and process my childhood fear.
As an adult I went into therapy, and by being able to speak about my fear, and be with it, I am learning to process my emotions properly. Not just fear but also anger, resentment, pride, desire, and the need for love. My relationships have blossomed, I have never been happier or more confident, and the journey is just beginning.
"Know thyself" speaks to the keystone of emotional intelligence: awareness of one's own feelings as they occur.
Ethical intelligence
“You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against any of your people, but you shall love your neighbour as yourself: I am the LORD.” - Leviticus 19:18
How do we make ethical decisions when faced with moral challenges or dilemmas?
We are faced with such challenges every day of our lives, all social transactions reveal a moral aspect. Is this interaction fair? Is influence being exerted by one person over another? Is it nurturing or exploitative? Am I manipulative or collaborative in my relationships? Am I being entirely honest?
A lot of questions!
Ethical intelligence requires a personal code of ethics. An understanding of our own beliefs and values which guides our decisions and actions. This could be complex and involve a value hierarchy, or a network of weighted values.
Or it could be as simple as, “treat others the way I want to be treated.”
Here is a simple ethical code that is holonic in nature
To nurture individuals
To nurture our community and humanity as a whole
To nurture the biological world
But even with such straightforward central principles, we all know that moral dilemmas are often difficult to resolve. This is where increased emotional intelligence creates a positive feedback loop.
The greater our ‘in the moment’ awareness of our feelings, and those of others, the greater our capacity to use emotional information to guide our thinking and behaviour.
Emotional intelligence facilitates ethical intelligence and together they form relational intelligence. We can use relational intelligence to re-connect, repair, and create harmony.
This in turn builds trust, safety, belonging and connection. From here we can be vulnerable, express ourselves, be seen and heard. We can grow, together.
What can you do today?
Take 5 mins to sit quietly by yourself - no phone, TV, music etc - and run through your day in your mind. Pay attention to any emotions that come up. When something pops up just stay with it for a few minutes, without judgement, without trying to fix it, just allow it and be with it.
This simple practice over time will help you, and everyone around you. Give it a go, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I wish you well.