The Pursuit of Quality
Deep and meaningful connection
If you awaken from this illusion, and you understand that black implies white, self implies other, life implies death — or shall I say, death implies life — you can conceive yourself. Not conceive, but feel yourself, not as a stranger in the world, not as someone here on sufferance, on probation, not as something that has arrived here by fluke, but you can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental. What you are basically, deep, deep down, far, far in, is simply the fabric and structure of existence itself. - Alan Watts
The first time I heard Alan Watts say this I cried, actually I sobbed. Honestly, I still find it hard to hear or read without being moved to tears. What is being expressed, for me, is a deep and meaningful connection to my own existence. So let’s explore this in more detail.
In previous posts, such as Disconnection and The Age of Anxiety, I have focussed on the causes of anxiety and isolation in a hyper-connected world. Specifically I tune into the loss of deep and meaningful connection to ourselves and others.
The conclusion being that even though we have more connections (quantity) it is increasingly clear that it is the quality of connection that matters.
Dunbar’s Numbers
Dunbar’s suggested limit to the number of people we can maintain quality relationships with is not a stand alone number. It is one within a series of nested relationships. The more meaningful the relationship (quality) the smaller the limit (quantity).
At the centre is the most meaningful relationship we have, our relationship with our self. The quality of this relationship permeates and colours every aspect of every relationship we have. When we have a healthy relationship with our self this spills out into how we relate to the world.
When you think about it this is what psychoanalysis, and psychodynamics in particular point towards. When we cannot relate to some quality of our self we project that onto another person and see them as possessing the very quality that we reject. This is often defensive against our own feelings of insecurity, guilt, anger, and fear etc.
Interestingly, this can include very positive qualities of ourselves that we may have lost connection with during the struggle of life. The proverbial Golden Shadow where we see others as better than our selves because we have yet to reconnect to our own strengths and heal the wounds of our past.
We are in a constant process of relating to ourselves and others. Beyond this we are in relationship with the numinous, with nature, music, art, stories, ideas, memories, even with our technology.
Another way to say this is we are simultaneously and continuously in relationship with our inner self and external world at all times. Beginning with the relationship we have to our self.
The quality of those relationships is fundamental to our experience of life.
Oceans and Mountains
So what is meant by deep and meaningful connection?
I find this very difficult to answer, it is something that I think we intuitively understand but are challenged to express.
Think back to the last time something “struck” you, “resonated” with you, “moved” you. You may have felt it in your body, perhaps in the the pit of your stomach, or in your throat. You may have felt overwhelmed, buried by or drowned in emotion. This happens even when coming from a positive place such as love. You may, like me, have been moved to tears.
Deep feelings have a visceral bodily sensation as well as simultaneously manifesting associated emotions and thoughts. A deep connection feels like it either comes from your core or reaches down to it.
Like an anchor connecting me to the ocean floor of my being. Or a cave in the heart of the mountain where my soul resides. A deep connection touches my very sense of being, and resonates with immutable truth. A timeless wisdom, intuitive rather than propositional.
Deep connections bring you into contact with the core of your being.
What you are basically, deep, deep down, far, far in, is simply the fabric and structure of existence itself.
Unfolding Paths
For me there is a distinct difference between deep and meaningful. With meaning I find it easier to speak of, to assign value to, to utilise. It is is easier to make sense of, to relate to the external world.
Meaningful denotes significance, seriousness, importance, worth the effort required to attain or maintain it. Meaningful stays with me, and can be referred to in order to regain the significance after it has faded. What is meaningful can be used as map, an unfolding path to follow through life.
I believe that meaningful connections act as signposts to transcendence, clues to some greater potential as yet undiscovered, still unfolding. They are teleological, they serve a purpose. Meaningful connections are a guide to becoming.
The Eternal Hug
So here we all are, in constant and simultaneous relationship with our inner self and outer world, including everyone and everything in it. We are connected to it all through our senses, devices, social and technological networks. We are connected with it all through relationships, feelings, and thoughts.
Deep and meaningful connections resonate with the immutable truth of our being and guide our becoming. They remind us of who we are at our core and guide us to manifest. It is no wonder that they are central to a healthy human experience.
Psychological Needs
There are a lot of models of psychological need. They all contain useful guidance. If you are interested in models of psychological need here are a few references for you.
Maslow’s hierarchy is best understood as the motivations of the individual. A five-tier hierarchy shown as levels within a pyramid.
The base of the pyramid is physiological (food and clothing), then safety (job security), followed by love and belonging needs (friendship), then esteem, and finally self-actualization. Needs lower down in the hierarchy must be satisfied before higher needs.
Klaus Grawe’s Consistency Theory
According to consistency theory there are four basic needs which act as drivers of behaviour:
Attachment - reliance on others
Control/Orientation - to understand what is going on around us (to control the stress and anxiety of not understanding)
Pleasure/Avoidance of Pain - attain pleasure (good) avoid pain (bad)
Self-Enhancement - to enhance and protect our self-esteem
Attachment and control are developed first and are the strongest drivers of behaviour, with self-enhancement, or self-esteem likely to be the last to develop in an individual.
Self-determination theory suggests that we all have three basic psychological needs—autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
Autonomy - having choice and not being compelled or controlled
Competence - being effective and gaining mastery of activity
Relatedness - to feel connected and a sense of belonging
Regardless of which model resonates with you we really only have two options when it comes to satisfying our needs, we can either approach or avoid.
Approach is to seek out, attain, move toward, participate in, connect with. Avoid is to hide, dispose of, withdraw from, exclude, disconnect from.
North Star
My personal North Star is connection that helps us express, belong, grow, and find purpose. I recognise these as my most basic needs. They are also simpler for me to make sense of and I like simple!
Express - to be understood, recognised, seen, to have a voice (power), to create, to contribute.
Belong - to be part of, included, recognised and accepted, to arrive home
Growth - tomorrow is better than today, to become, to have direction and momentum, to fulfil potential
Purpose - the reason for being, doing, and becoming, meaning and significance to our existence, to be of value, to add to the world
We seek to have a voice, to be heard, to express ourselves and tell our story, to be understood. Expression is linked to status, self esteem, but also the communication of needs. Through expression we connect to others in a way that can facilitate their recognition of who we perceive ourselves to be.
We seek connection to belong, to feel at home, to find our tribe. Also to overcome the existential terror of separateness, isolation, of being alone in the dark. This begins with loving our self enough to feel we deserve to belong, that there is a place in the world for us.
We seek connection that facilitates our own growth. Learning from others, gaining wisdom, improving health, receiving spiritual guidance. For tomorrow’s experience to be better than today. To become a better version of our self. To have greater agency, capacity, and capability.
We seek purpose for our existence to be meaningful. To give significance to who we are and who we are becoming. To transcend the apparent indifference of the universe.
Together they form a countering force to existential anxiety. Together they are the drive to transcendence, to the deepest and most meaningful connection of all. The connection to everything, everywhere, all at once. (Also a deep and meaningful movie).
Beginning with I
It is my deeply held belief that life is best experienced through deep and meaningful connection. Where depth is recognised by the revelation of “being” and meaning provides transcendental guidance in the process of “becoming”.
Furthermore, that seeking deep and meaningful connections that help us express, belong, grow, and find purpose is a reasonable compass to orientate by.
Finally that the fundamental relationship we should attend to is with our self, that all other relationships flourish in response to this sacred connection.
So I propose that we seek out and nurture deep and meaningful connections that help us fulfil the above four needs. In addition, we avoid and disconnect from anything that prevents or disrupts that fulfilment.
That we start today, now, with ourselves.