Vanishing Point: A 5-MeO-DMT Journey
Entheogens and Non-Existence as Medicine
To exist in the presence of God, first I must become non-existent.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything. 150 Dunbar Street had allowed me to explore meaningful connection as far as I could.
Well that’s what I thought, but then things got really interesting.
Welcome to 150 Dunbar Street
Welcome to Neil Barnes’s Substack. In this hyper-connected world people feel anxious and isolated. In response, bi-weekly I’ll post a short read on meaningful connection and how we can achieve it.
New Domain
There was one domain that I had yet to explore, non-ordinary states. Over the last year I had a few brief encounters with N,N-Dimethyltryptamine (DMT).
NN-DMT is a powerful psychedelic compound found in certain plants and animals, and the primary psychoactive compound found in ayahuasca.
NN-DMT had shown me there is something more out there, something beyond our normal state of consciousness that we can connect to … something else.
More importantly. After these DMT encounters there was a residual sense of connection to the world that reaffirmed life. These encounters were medicinal in nature, emotionally and psychologically healing.
The more I spoke to others about their DMT experiences the more coherent a picture formed. An acceleration into hyperspace, multicoloured and multifaceted geometries, a sense of oneness. Going beyond normal conscious awareness into other realms. Some people report meeting other entities that you can communicate with, and receiving revelations regarding the nature of reality. Afterwards they speak of a life affirming connection to the world but difficulty recalling the revelations received.
It was during one such conversation that a close friend asked if I had heard of 5-MeO-DMT (5-methoxy-N,N-dimethyltryptamine), sometimes known as Toad.
I confessed I had not.
Disclaimer: This post is a personal account of my experience with 5-MeO-DMT. It is intended for reflection and educational purposes only. I am not a medical professional, and this is not medical advice, nor a recommendation for the use of any substances. Psychedelic experiences can be profound and unpredictable. Everyone's journey is unique, and what I describe here reflects my own path, emotions, and interpretations. Please approach this topic responsibly, and always seek guidance from qualified professionals if you are considering exploring altered states of consciousness.
Now that's out the way .. let me tell you what happened to me 2 weeks ago.
Sublimation
"The music had began, a slow rhythmic trance. My lungs were filled with the vapourised venom from bufo alvarius, the Sonoran River Toad. She told me to hold my breath and lie down. The room began to dissolve, everything turning black and white, reality was peeling away and revealing a beautiful dynamic geometry behind it.
I closed my eyes and the patterns filled my vision. Expanding and consuming everything. The boundaries of space shifted; the vastness of the universe began to dawn upon me. I lied down as my body and mind began sublimating. Within seconds everything else had gone except the expanse of shifting black and white pattern, it's growth accelerated, expanding beyond the reach of my imagination. There were no boundaries. Panic!
I had expected this - I told myself to let it happen - after all it was impossible to stop, I'd already crossed the rubicon on this one.”
Shaman
The first day I met Eir the therapist/shaman there was a lot to share. She asked insightful and thoughtful and questions, helping me articulate my intentions and my history.
Why had I reached out? What was I searching for? Had I any experience with plant or animal medicines?
I felt fortunate that years of therapy, as well as previous psychedelic experiences, had given me a solid grasp of my inner landscape and how I might respond to the medicine.
I had, at least, a clear - or clearish - understanding of what was really bothering me, what weighed on my heart, and what I hoped to bring into this experience. Most of all I felt reassured that I was being guided by someone that knew what they were doing and cared enough to tell me if they felt I wasn’t ready.
Non-existence
“Time and space were misbehaving. I let my breath out and it just didn't stop, I exhaled for eternity. I wasn't exhaling air, or smoke, I was exhaling my body, my consciousness. I felt myself turning inside out, unfolding like a volcano in slow motion eruption.
The expansion accelerated again, the universe was opening in front of me, so rapid, and yet there was no sense of time. The exhalation continued. My heart turned inside out and what was once inside me was rushing out into eternal space and infinite time. Then I was gone. My body gone. My thoughts gone. My emotions gone. My memories gone. My breath was my conscious awareness, expanding into the void. I had become the witness, the seer, but was no longer I. This was the vanishing point, any sense of self was completely destroyed.
This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to articulate - it is a world beyond language. The constant witness, the still, unchanging pure awareness that has ALWAYS been there within me, within you. This is atman.
There was only love, infinite love. Indescribably beautiful. The universe IS love and I had become one with the universe. Endless waves of boundless warmth unfolding. Ecstasy - transcendent joy.
I started to hear Eir's voice singing to me, distant but steady, calling me back. A surge of energy gathered where my solar plexus and heart should have been. There was something else there too, something dense and immobile, something dark and heavy. The energy was building, rising, like stars forming."
Stuckness
I'd felt stuck for years, this was my secret that I carried shamefully, the pain I kept hidden even from the one's I love. I’d been dragging it like a weight with me since my early teens, maybe longer. A belief that nothing I did was ever quite good enough. No matter how much I achieved or how hard I tried, it never measured up. Beneath all of it, there was this quiet voice whispering that I wasn’t really worthy.
This is what I wanted to bring into the ceremony - this stuckness, this invisible anchor. It had grown so persistent it had become physical. Like a piece of coal in my chest, affecting my mental and physical health in ways I could no longer ignore.
Eir and I spoke about this in depth, she understood trauma, and believed that the Toad could help. She gave me guidance to help me prepare - Wim Hof breathing, daily exercise, eating well, making sure my body had what it needed. Vitamins, rest, discipline. I began to prepare in earnest for the journey ahead.
Catharsis
"My body shook, my arms flailing involuntarily, as if the energy itself were animating me. The blockage finally melted, and then it came - grief, vast and overwhelming, oceans of grief drowning me, cleansing me, torrents of grief flowing freely. So much loss, so much I couldn't let go of.
Tears streamed from my eyes as sobs racked my body. I cried and cried, there was no shame here, no judgement, no need to cope or control. I emptied my grief into the space around me. There were no thoughts, only pristine emotion. I couldn't tell you what I was grieving for, I didn't need to know, I still don't. This was not a cerebral experience, this was body, energy, heart. And somewhere deep within, I didn’t want to come back."
Intention
The day of the ceremony approached, and I noticed my perspective beginning to shift. I found myself wondering - not just how to release this stuckness, but what might lie beyond it. What if I could truly let go of what I had held onto for so long? What would life look like without it weighing me down? What would it feel like to be free, to let energy move through me unhindered?
By the time I arrived for the ceremony, my intention had subtly but powerfully shifted. It was no longer just about healing the past - it was about stepping into what could come next.
Absurdity
"Then came the laughter. Pure absurdity. It bubbled up from somewhere deep inside, then erupted, unstoppable. I laughed until my belly ached, shaking with release. For what felt like 10 or 15 minutes, I was caught in the hilarity of it all - all the times I’d worried about what others thought, the doubt, worrying about acceptance - all the self-imposed heaviness. It was so utterly absurd. Anxiety and fear (simply the absence of love) suddenly seemed ridiculous. Love has always been there, in infinite abundance. It is here now, always. The healing, radiant heart of the universe. The heart, our hearts, are medicine. Love is medicine. My body shook with laughter. My thoughts began to return."
Ceremony
The ceremony began. For a few minutes, I stood before her as she smudged me with sage smoke, cleansing the space and preparing me for what was to come. We moved through several rounds of Wim Hof breathing, then came a chakra-clearing breathwork - this was very intense. I could feel energy beginning to shift and rise within me.
We followed with a heart meditation, anchoring into deep gratitude. Gratitude for every single cell, for the intelligence of the body, for the miracle of self-healing happening within me every moment. That struck me - how miraculous the body is, how it’s always trying to heal itself. I knew I was here to heal. The possibility of real change felt palpable. We sat and I began to inhale.
Individuation
"Eir's angelic voice continued to guide me back. More and more of me began to return to my body. Part of me longed to go back, to dissolve again. Then I heard him - the toad, the spirit - whispering, there is more to learn, you must return one day. And so, the journey back to my body and self began. My awareness was not individuated yet, I was deep in communion. I was everything, everyone, every animal, every plant. I know now, beyond all possible doubt that I am you, you are me. We are a single consciousness experiencing itself from infinite perspectives. The illusion of separateness is necessary for growth, for expansion. Love is the dynamic creative force that drives it all, and love is relational, there must be an other for love to act. For a moment, I considered diving back in, there is so much more to understand.
I allowed myself to laugh as fragments of myself drifted back. I like this part of me, I thought, smiling. Then, like a familiar guest, my left brain crept in, concerned with time, calendars, tasks - its usual checklist. I paused. Not yet, I told it. I let it linger just outside, hovering. I was able to observe aspects of my self as they returned.
But then came the realization: no part of me should be cast out. Everything belongs, though it can be transformed, integrated more gently, more consciously. I softened, opening the door, allowing my self to return but this time on my terms."
I returned to the room. There was water waiting for me. Perfect! I looked into Eir’s eyes and said, “I love you.” She was sitting in front of me but in that gaze, I saw her, I saw myself, and everyone else - no separation, just the simple truth of oneness.”
Becoming
This is the single most profound experience I have ever had, in fact, the word experience is utterly inadequate.
This is a becoming.
What began then is very much alive in me right now, it's still happening, the ceremony was the dawn of a deeper healing. I'm still unfolding, becoming conscious, my awareness continues to expand, I'm living differently, my heart knows joy.
It’s been a few weeks since the ceremony and I see more of myself now. I see my shadow (in the Jungian sense). I see the parts of myself I have denied, both good and bad, although those judgements have less meaning now.
There is a lot of work to do to honour the gift of bufo alvarius.
You could call that work integration but that too seems inadequate. It’s more like consciously attending to my self awareness, honouring the gift of revelation without judgement. This requires honesty about how I think, feel, and act.
Every day has brought fresh insights, unexpected openings, and moments of silent transformation.
There is so much more to share, but enough for today.
I’ll tell you more in the next post.
WTF + Resources
Trying to describe what happened experientially is very wtf! It’s ineffable so the account I have provided is really low resolution in comparison to the experience.
Normally our conscious experience is shaped by our Default Mode Network (DMN), which gives a congruence and continuity across time. 5-MeO-DMT radically alters that allowing us to witness what is beyond the constraint of ego, identity, and “self”.
For anyone that wishes to know more about 5-MeO-DMT from a scientific perspective, or would like to hear accounts of other’s experiences, here are some useful links.
Forbes Magazine - Mike Tyson’s story
National Library of Medicine - Clinical pharmacology and potential therapeutic applications
Psychedelic Medicine Podcast - 5-MeO-DMT Research, Practice, and Experience